The Crystal Club recently received a request from SPICE, the Tri-Ess related support organization for spouses and crossdressers, to run their ad in our newsletter and help them raise funds through an auction or similar event. After much soul searching I felt it necessary to decline the support of the Club. While SPICE does a lot of good for many people, some of their policies are simply not in keeping with our mission statement. Some of their policies are not supportive of some members of our gender community.
SPICE is headed up currently by Peggy Rudd. Many of you are familiar with the wonderful books she has written about couples and coping with crossdressing such as "My Husband Wears My Clothes". I did talk to Peggy on the phone for almost two hours about my concerns, and while I found her to be a completely charming lady, personally interested in my viewpoint, it was also clear the SPICE would continue the same policies that have proven to be a problem for many of us in the community.
These issues can be a bit complicated, so please bear with me. SPICE represents itself as a support group for the spouses of heterosexual crossdressers and the crossdressers themselves. Unfortunately, they do not represent themselves this way all the time. While there is nothing wrong with a group targeting a specific group and sticking to that group, the problem that arises is that in recent years they have informally, but actively, sought out the spouses of transsexuals as well. I know this for a fact.
Why would this be a problem? The problem arises from the way they support the spouses. SPICE advocates the rights of the spouse to determine when and where crossdressing is allowed in terms of the marriage. It advocates control of issues such as hormones and other body changes in the hands of the spouse. This is not an issue with most crossdressers, it can help bring about compromises that make a marriage workable, but it is the wrong approach when the partner is a transsexual. Transsexuals fight the need to transition sometimes for many many years and when finally they come to grips with their issues, it is often a life and death decision. They are often at the brink of suicide. Handing over control of "crossdressing" at this point leaves the transsexual with only two choices, leave or die.
The decision to transition, as I can tell you from personal experience, is a very difficult one and is usually made with the help of a therapist who specializes in gender issues. It becomes a mental health issue at this point and no one, not even a spouse, should have the right to interfere with a health issue. The same is true of starting hormones. Again, a spouse should be informed of what's going on, but by the time a transsexual is ready to start hormones, there simply isn't much of a choice anymore and the issue is a medical one.
SPICE does not see this. They treat the spouses of transsexuals the same way they do those of crossdressers. This is very dangerous. It could lead to the suicide of the transsexual spouse faced with either losing their family or continued lifelong depression. It may even have done so already. Most of the marriages of transsexuals do not survive transition. That is the sad fact. Some of them do, and those that have a chance should be given that chance. SPICE's program removes any chance there might have been. It virtually assures that the marriage cannot survive.
The other issue is also one of the treatment of transsexuals. SPICE events are billed as "non crossdressing". That means that the transgendered spouse is expected to not present female at the events. The reasons for this are even fairly sound. We all know how transgendered people love to show off their new outfits and SPICE events are aimed at couple and spousal support. In order for them not to become another TG fashion show, they have this policy. It is also so that the spouses who are having a difficult time adjusting to their crossdressing mates do not feel threatened. This is fine as far as it goes and would not be a problem except for the way this is interpreted.
If SPICE restricted it's self to heterosexual crossdressers as they claim to, the policy would make sense. They don't. They are involving transsexuals as well and they have stated that even a post-operative MtF transsexual must dress male in order to attend with her spouse, spouses they have been actively seeking out. I know of a case where this is exactly what happened. SPICE representatives attempted to "recruit" the spouse of a transsexual, not only knowing that she was the spouse of a TS, but _because_ she was. They so stated. They then told the TS partner that she must dress male in order to attend with her spouse. This was checked with national SPICE board members and confirmed. They were informed that the transsexual partner was not only transitioned and would be post-op by the time of the convention, but that all of her documentation, including her birth certificate had already been changed to female. The SPICE convention was in Penn. that year and even in the face of the Penn. bathroom laws, which would have made it illegal for this transsexual to use ANY bathroom at the convention while dressed male, they still insisted that she must dress male. Peggy Rudd also confirmed that SPICE policy continues to require the crossdressing as males of even post-op MtF transsexuals at SPICE events during my talk with her. She informed me that this policy would not be changed.
This is so profoundly wrong that words fail me. This is _total_ non-acceptance of a transsexual woman as a woman. This is against everything our community believes in. If they do not want transsexuals to attend, they should make that clear, not enforce a policy that is a slap in our faces. No other group in the transgendered community would dream of taking this stand. No other group would be allowed to. This is the type of thing that we are trying to educate people about as a community and it strains credibility to think that a group that considers itself part of our community could possibly take this position. This is why the Crystal Club cannot and will not support SPICE as long as I am president.
The solution is quite simple. All SPICE needs to do is restrict itself to heterosexual crossdressing spouses and crossdressers and admit publicly that they should not and will not involve themselves knowingly in a transsexual marriage. If they had been willing to do this, we would have supported them. They are not willing to do this. They intend to continue including transsexual spouses in their programs. They intend to continue "requiring" forced crossdressing of MtF transsexuals as males as a condition of attendance. They intend to continue slapping us in the face with non-acceptance of our womanhood.