When deciding to set up a group home setting for transsexuals, the
very first step is to be clear in your own mind, what are your goals.
The planned outcome determines the model you use to start from. If
the goal is simply a temporary safe space, a safety net, for transsexuals
facing the loss of all the support of their former lives, are you a social
agency model or something else? Social agency models have their own
dynamics and parameters and are largely dependant on outside resources
or a well off "angel". The CATS program in Texas is an example of
a social agency model, the goal, temporary housing and rescue and getting
individuals back on their feet to function away from the agency.
Transy House in Brooklyn, New York is also somewhat of a social agency
model that depends on the finances of one individual to keep going.
It functions much like a sixties "crash pad" with lots of folks coming
and going and a few constants and few rules sporadically imposed out of
necessity to keep everyone from each other's throats.
CATS was dependant on community support and is constantly in "crisis" mode looking for finances. Transy House doesn't depend overly on outside resources, but also doesn't provide much in the way of structure, so lives don't change much from individual "crisis" mode and many of the same individuals reappear there over and over. It's more of a bandaid solution. The Minnesota project had no direction or leadership since the woman who owns it splits her time there and elsewhere out of job necessity, had a large number of dependant folks dumped on it before it was ready and is now mostly empty. We took a different direction at Gallae Central House. Slow growth, building resources, a possible permanent home and as self-sufficient as possible. A crisis model only works well in an urban setting, a home model can work either in a rural or urban one. By setting up a family style house, we can take in some younger transies on a scholarship basis and prepare them to better survive while also being a permanent home for others. This mixed mission seems to work well for us.
Our vision, from the beginning, was a family, community building project. Time will tell if we succeed or not, but so far, of the four housing projects somewhat widely known in the community, we are by far the most stable right now. Ours is not the only way to do it, but we have learned some valuable lessons in our first year and weathered our own share of storms.
First, some realities about transsexual women in particular. Some of this is going to seem self-evident, but it's very easy to overlook other parts, especially for non-transsexuals. Most transsexual women in need of help are emotionally similar to adolescent girls with the same struggles and insecurities about how they fit in, appearance and new hormonal influences. Trans-men often still have some support from the lesbian community, trans-women rarely have much of a support network other than what they can carve out piece by piece, person by person. This is not always easy to remember when faced with someone who seems self-assured, who appear to have no problems with "passing" to your eyes and so forth, but you must remember that transsexuals are consummate actresses, they had to be to survive. They most often suffer extremes of lack of self-esteem from a lifetime of thinking they were "freaks of nature", from negative reinforcement and from fighting who they are. While on shopping trips with a couple of young trans-women, both who pass flawlessly, I later discovered to my surprise they both assumed we were being stared at because of their failure to pass. It literally never occurred to them that a young, beautiful black girl and a young beautiful Hispanic girl with an older white women they are both calling "mom" is bound to invite speculation, if for no other reason than about what that older woman's past must have been like. Especially when it's in rural, upstate New York. Even older transsexual women, lacking the experiences of other women, often misread the almost universal custom of women of an automatic smile in greeting towards each other or the casual conversations women naturally strike up during any chance encounter. Women don't do this the same way with men as they do with other women and trans-women, lacking this experience, often mis-read it as excessive interest, meaning suspecting they are trans. Especially in the first couple of years of transition this sort of normal female interaction will make them uneasy, which in turn makes the women around them uneasy without quite knowing why, often resulting in the very "reading" the trans-woman first feared.
Very easy to overlook in the initial stages of setting up trans-housing is the special medical needs of transsexuals, both trans-men and trans-women. Networking ahead of time to establish contact with sympathetic and knowledgeable doctors and psychological professionals is a must. Local, established transsexuals or support groups can often yield a list of both. Remember, some trans-women are going to be uncomfortable with male professionals and some with female professionals so trying to find both is a good idea. Too many transsexuals have died of treatable conditions because of denial of medical services or their own fear of consulting medical professionals because of past, negative experiences. Trans-women are often embarrassed to out themselves if post-op in order to let their doctor know they should have an occasional prostate exam but trans-women have died from untreated prostate cancer. Trans-men often find it nearly impossible to even schedule, let alone have, a gynological exam, and again, more than one has died as a result. Emergency rooms can be a nightmare for a pre-operative trans-woman. Additionally, if the transsexuals coming to you have been using street hormones, you really want to try to get them on medical supervision because of the life threatening dosages they often take.
Drug or alcohol abuse often go hand in hand with transsexuality out
of a need to deaden the fears or abuse or loss that are all too common
transsexual experience. A lot of the acting out behaviour you'll
see comes from this so a good grounding in how to deal with these problems
is essential. Transsexuals are almost all very spiritual by their
nature. Often they have been cast out of mainstream churches and
lose a way of expressing their spiritual nature, but my experience is that
it's still there. There is a tendency for transsexuals to see their
condition as a "curse", rather than the blessing it can be. While
younger transsexuals in particular, often lack educational background,
most transsexuals are exceptionally intelligent so being prepared to help
with a local GED or adult education program is a good idea.
Almost every transsexual women I've met has had a very high intimacy need.
This can lead them to seeking relationships that can get them badly hurt
or high risk sexual behaviour that self perpetuates from the confusion
of intimacy with sex that a male socialization keeps them from understanding.
It is very normal for transsexual women to engage in a lot of hugging and
touching and cuddling among themselves, especially as a greeting.
This is healthy and something that should be encouraged. One behaviour
that many transsexual women, especially younger ones, engage in can be
quite disconcerting to others is the casual way many of them will pull
up their tops and compare breast development without regard for open windows
etc., be prepared to encounter it, but obviously don't encourage it.
The converse of all this is that transsexuals quite often have a high need
for privacy and alone time. This is more common in older transsexuals
as a result of a need to hide crossdressing prior to transition and seek
time to be able to drop the role they had to play contrary to their identity
but, even after transition, this need usually remains. Because this
is also often tied to individual spiritual connectiveness, this needs to
be respected while not allowing them to withdraw all the time.
If you have decided on a housing model, the first decision is what
kind of place should you start with. Gallae Central House is almost
ideal for us. The large downstairs area has a very large living room
area, a large dining area, a large kitchen and a large conference/general
use area. Upstairs we have two floors of bedrooms and communal bathrooms
with multiple stalls. Our house was originally a summer resort Catskill
Inn and so the design gives us all the advantages to mix plenty of space
for entertaining, common activities, shared cooking with individual rooms
so everyone has their own space and privacy. If you are able to find
someplace in a rural setting, some acreage is very helpful as well for
vegetable gardens, fruit trees, "wild space" for quiet reflection and don't
forget flower gardens!
An old nursing home, large older home designed for multi-generational families of the past that hasn't already been cut up into apartments, an old inn or hotel or even an old brothel can work equally as well. Look for a place that hasn't been occupied for a while and be willing to see past what it doesn't have if the basic structure is sound. You'll need a minimum of five to six potential bedroom spaces because dorm style sleeping arrangement won't work well if you are planning to have folks stay. Finding a place at the right price can be difficult, but remember that a place that needs enough work to make it hard to bank finance often means you can get a very very good deal with owner financing. You are much more likely to get donations of building materials than you will of cash. You cannot depend on the trans-community for cash donations, it just isn't likely to happen and none of the projects have been able to raise capital this way. It's very helpful to almost essential to have someone familiar with a wide range of building trades involved from the start.
In an empty place, don't be overly afraid of falling plaster from a leaking roof, drywalling is fairly easy to learn and fairly cheap to do yourself. Be prepared to take on most of the repairs yourself or seek out volunteer labour, professional help should be a last resort if you are to have a budget left. Just take needed repairs one step at a time, for example, if the roof has been leaking and damaging ceilings, fix the roof first, then repair the damage. It can be very worthwhile to hire a house inspector to look over the place before you buy. This will give you a very good handle on what is needed and if it is possible to tackle it yourself. Decent plumbing and electrical and structural soundness is much more important than how the place looks at the start.
Remember, the mortgage has to be low enough that you can raise it every month without trouble. If you incorporate as a non-profit, you can reduce the taxes to little to nothing in most areas. If you aren't skilled in real estate dealings, get help. Remember, often you can negotiate very creatively with owner financing. A balloon payment ten to fifteen years down the road might cinch a deal, but to keep monthly payments low, amortize payments on thirty years. Since you need to fix the place up to use it anyway, you can re-finance with a bank later once the needed repairs are done well ahead of a balloon payments due date but get as much wiggle room as possible from the start if you have to do this.
When having phone lines installed initially, be sure to ask for a multiple
connections even if you only have one or two lines at first. We had
a feed set up to allow as many as 14 different phones installed at no cost
when the first two lines were installed. This can save a lot of money
down the road if individuals wish their own room phones. If you are
doing wiring as part of the initial fix up, don't forget computer network,
coax and phone lines for the individual rooms at the same time. For
phone lines available in common areas, it's best to get local only service
if you don't wish an unpleasant surprise in a huge long distance bill.
Calling cards allow individuals to make long distance phone calls at their
own expense.
Experience of many years taught me that transsexuals and crossdressers do not mix well in extended circumstances. We set a house rule, from the beginning, that transsexual house members must be fully transitioned before moving in. We are not concerned with operative status, considering that a private, personal matter and none of our business, but we function as a women's house and that does matter to us. We don't mind occasional crossdresser and other male overnight visitors and have had many. For a potential housemember, however, we insist on a face to face, preferably couple of day, interview prior to inviting someone to join on a probationary basis. We do this to let all the house members get a chance to interact, met, and gain impressions of the prospect since we are essentially a family. If any house member has a strong objection, that ends it. When we "pass" a prospective member, they are invited to move in on a probationary basis for 90 days. If major interpersonal conflicts are going to happen, you can pretty much see it coming within those 90 days. At the end of the probationary period, if everyone has gotten along well, we invite the prospect to full house membership. Once someone is a house member it would take a major violation of house rules, a meeting of all in the house, an attempt to work things out and a failure of that attempt before someone would be asked to leave. In short, once someone is a house member we know some disagreements might later arise but expect everyone to be able to work it out. A house member is family at that point. Families have occasional disagreements.
House rules are basically common sense. No drugs, alcohol only in moderation. Do not "out" other housemembers as transsexuals. No prostitution, which includes a parade of boyfriends. Dress appropriately in common areas of the house (downstairs) and when coming and going.
While we don't have any younger transsexuals with us at the moment, we've had several for extended periods of time in the past year. I believe a ratio of 2 older, more emotionally stable, transsexuals for each younger one is optimal. This provides a calmer role model for the younger transies while keeping the older ones engaged beyond themselves. Key to success is that everyone must contribute, if they cannot pay, then they should be doing additional maintance around the house within their abilities above the shared household duties. This is essential to build self-esteem and to avoid an entitlement mentality. A good housemother needs to be able to guide these chores without ordering, being willing to listen to the concerns voiced. Another essential element for our household is a sense of family. Whenever possible, at least one meal a day should be a family one. At our family meals we always have a blessing, usually led by the housemother, but occasionally passed on to others. When there is a variety of religious beliefs at the table, it's an especially good idea to let others do the blessing as well. Our blessings are both a thanks and prayer for those not present, especially those in need. It's important to maintain a sense of the spiritual while being respectful of all belief systems. Another good idea is various group activities. Something as simple as a shared favorite television show or movies can go a long way towards maintaining a sense of family. A "game night" is another way we do this occasionally. We also have a regular influx of overnight visitors, trans and non-trans, that keep us from getting stale. Visitors should always get a warm welcoming, especially other transsexuals. Our home is a home away from home for many more folks than actually live here and when they visit, they are treated as if they were coming home. It makes a big difference in the atmosphere of the house.
House meetings should be a fairly regular event. During the meetings, it's very important to make sure everyone can get their say without interruption so a "talking stick" or "feather" that is passed to indicate it's holder's turn to speak is a good idea. Encourage conflicts to be verbalize at this time without verbal bashing. Encourage "I feel like" statements rather than "you are" ones to make airing of conflicts less individually threatening. House rules and expectations need to be clearly addressed, especially if someone is not pulling their share, this is best done by the housemother so as to avoid additional conflict.
A few shared luxuries also contribute to a sense of "home". Cable
television is quite affordable when the costs are split among the house
members as a utility. Likewise for internet access. Many transsexuals
are skilled in computer systems and a single cable modem connection can
be networked for an entire household, again very very cheaply when the
costs are shared. Since many transsexuals maintain online relationships
with others for support, this is almost not even a luxury. Make sure
when shopping that individual tastes are accounted for, within healthy
reason. At Gallae Central House we split all the food and routine
cleaning supplies equally. Shopping trips can be a group activity.
Since not everyone gets up at the same time, our breakfasts tend to be
individual, shared among those up at the same time. Morning coffee
can be an excellent time for the housemother to just chat with individuals.
Much of the success of a transie housing project rests with the
housemom. In order for things to run fairly smoothly, she has to
be firm when needed without being rigid. She has to be willing to
listen. She has to be able to accept that things aren't always going
to be done the way she expected them to be done but will likely work out
anyway. Above all, she needs to give firm direction without ordering
around and engaging other's egos. She needs to be able to foster
self-directedness from the others rather than assign duties whenever feasible.
A housemom needs to be able to deal with ongoing crisis without letting
a crisis mentality filter down to the others. She, above all others
in the household, needs to have faith that if the project is to be, a way
will be found to deal with present and future crisis. It is not an
easy job, but it can be very rewarding. A good housemom needs to
know how to deal with tradespeople, how to be a good councillor, how to
motivate people without being pushy. When dealing with transsexuals,
there is often a lot of negative experiences. It takes a special
person to help those undergoing major setbacks and let them see that endings
are also beginnings. To be able to turn negative self image
into positive gently. To be able to mediate differences without taking
sides. To help foster the growth of self esteem in the others.
To manage the household finances and deal with inevitable household crisis's
one at a time. The operative word in housemom, is mom and experience
as a mom is definitely a plus. If she is doing her job well, her efforts
are not likely to even be noticed and she needs to find her own rewards
in seeing the whole project succeed. You cannot be ego-driven and
be a good housemom. She is literally the glue that holds the house
together and without a good housemom, I doubt a housing project can succeed
over time at all.
Good relations with the larger community around you are vital.
You should avoid at all costs an us vs. them philosophy. Keep an
open door policy and encourage neighbors to "drop in" for coffee or chats.
Avoid referring to your house as a "collective" or "commune" or similar
words, these are emotionally loaded terms in our society and will just
make things more difficult for you later on. Use terms like family
or shared living or shared resources instead. The 2 older to 1 younger
ratio will help the community around you from seeing you as a halfway house
or something similar and thus invoking a "not in our neighborhood" response.
Be a part of your larger community and encourage house members to do local
volunteer work with the library, nursing homes, youth centers and so forth
around you. Avoid getting involved in local politics. Meet
people. Transsexuals are "weird" to others who don't know any transsexuals,
when they get to know you, most will be accepting. If bigotry does
arise, above all, do not over react! After we had been here six months
or so, a local bigoted couple got up at a town meeting and announced we
were a cult of crossdressing pagans, a danger to kids, armed to the teeth,
many of us had been run out of other states for child pornography and we
harboured kittens. They even contacted the family we had bought the
place from in New York City and "outted" us. They tried to push every
hot button out there. Because we had been meeting and interacting
with others in our community and getting involved, it backfired on them
and they became laughing stocks while our own welcome increased dramatically
with folks dropping in left and right and extending support. Family
members of the man we'd bought the place from emailed us and we invited
them up anytime to drop by, have some coffee and see how we were fixing
the place up. They did resulting in even better relations with them.
Had we had a "compound" mentality it easily could have gone the other way.
If you are part of the larger community, the larger community will extend
it's protection and good will to you. Had we over reacted to this
couple, we very well might have lost much of that community good will,
for they have lived here all their lives and we are newcomers.
No doubt we'll learn much more as we go along, but hopefully by sharing our experiences during our first year other houses can spring up around the country and get off to a brighter start than they would have doing it cold.
Bright Blessings,
Gallae Central House,
Cathy Platine, Housemom